He thought about her face.
“Stop it,” he told himself.
He turned back to his papers. But sleep, when it finally came that night, took a long time in arriving.
He woke at 2:00 in the morning, not slowly, the way you sometimes drift out of sleep, but suddenly, completely, as if something had reached into his chest and pulled him upright.
He lay in the dark for a moment, staring at the ceiling, and knew immediately that sleep was not coming back. He got up.
He did not turn on any lights. He knew the house well enough to move through it in the dark, every doorway, every step, every corner. He went to the kitchen, filled a glass of water, and drank it standing at the sink, looking out at the back garden where the mango tree was just a dark shape against the sky.
Benjamin’s voice kept coming back to him.
She looks like her. Victoria. Around the eyes, especially.
He set the glass down. He told himself again that it was nothing. Rebecca was a young woman who happened to have a face that reminded a tired, jet-lagged man of someone from 30 years ago. Benjamin had always had a flair for the dramatic. It was nothing.
He went back to bed. He lay there for 20 minutes looking at the ceiling. Then he got up again.
The storage room was at the far end of the upstairs hallway, a narrow room he used for old files and things he did not need often enough to keep in the study but could not quite bring himself to throw away. He had not been inside it in at least a year, maybe longer.
He turned on the single bare bulb hanging from the ceiling and looked at the shelves.
He was not entirely sure what he was looking for. He told himself he was not looking for anything, just moving, just doing something with his hands and body so his mind would quiet down. He pulled out an old folder, looked at it, put it back. He shifted a box of archived contracts. He moved a stack of old magazines he kept meaning to sort through.
Then, on the bottom shelf, pushed to the back behind everything else, he saw it.
A cardboard box. Brown. Slightly soft at the corners from age. No label on the outside.
He looked at it for a long moment.
He knew what was in it. Somewhere at the back of his mind, beneath all the years of deliberate forgetting, he had always known exactly where it was.
He crouched down and pulled it out. It was dusty. He wiped the top with his hand, leaving a gray smear across his palm. He carried it out of the storage room and down the hallway to his study, where he set it on the desk under the lamp and sat down.
He did not open it immediately.
He sat with his hands resting on either side of it and looked at the dull brown cardboard and breathed slowly.
He was 61 years old. He had built a company. He had made difficult decisions, managed crises, signed documents that changed the shape of entire neighborhoods. He was not a man frightened of boxes.
He lifted the flaps.
Inside, under a thin layer of dust, the past was exactly where he had left it.
A school report from his final year. He did not know why he had kept it. A folded program from a graduation ceremony. A small leather notebook with a broken clasp that had once been his diary. He did not open that. A few loose photographs.
He took out the photographs.
Most of them he recognized without feeling much: groups of young people he had largely lost touch with, a birthday party somewhere, a trip to the coast with a crowd of school friends, everyone squinting into the sun.
Then 1 made him stop.
Three teenagers in a school courtyard.
He recognized it immediately: the old concrete wall behind them, the way the afternoon light came in at that angle. He was in the middle. Benjamin was on his left with an arm thrown over his shoulder, and on his right, slightly turned toward them, laughing at something, was Victoria.
He sat very still.
He had not seen her face in 30 years. Not in a photograph, not in a dream, not in anything. He had been that thorough about it.
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